Parked Yachts at Soucelito , CA
People Pleasing - The disease to please - Doormat Syndrome- Tolerating Toxic relationships
How often we say "That person is so nice!! so smiling!! so loving!! " etc little knowing that the smiling face may hide a great troubled soul.
======================================================
People-Pleasing Personality
Appearance to the world of the people-pleasing personality
* Very organized
* Easily liked
* Placators or appeasers
* Friendly, outgoing, gregarious
* Helpful, supportive
* Courteous and considerate of others
* Always smiling
* Interested in others' welfare
* Cooperative; real "team players''
* Generous with own time and energy
* Ready to volunteer
* Accept delegation easily
* "Company men''; very loyal
* Ready to take on any new challenge that comes along
* Work hard at pleasing others
* Talented, skillful, and creative
* A pleasure to spend time with
* Happy, joyful, full of fun
* Encouraging and reassuring
* Go along with requests made by others
* People mixers
* Assets in any conversation
* "Together,'' warm, and caring persons
* People sought out for friendship; popular socially
Feelings inside persons with the people-pleasing personality traits
* Fear of loss of approval
* Fear of rejection
* Fear of loss of personal identity
* Fear of loss of personal worth
* Denial of problems
* Self-denial or ignoring of personal rights
* Feeling lonely and isolated from others
* Avoid conflicts or fights at any cost
* Feeling not "good'' enough
* Feeling undeserving
* Feeling inferior to others
* Concern about satisfying others' demands
* Insecurity about personal abilities, skills, or knowledge
* Compulsive need to please others
* Unhappy over not pleasing others
* Embarrassed by personal looks or behavior that displeases others
* Confusion about why it takes so much energy to please others
* Fear of not "doing best'' for others' sake
* Fear of letting their friends and family down
* Fear of failure
* Fear of it being "found out'' they are not as good as they appear to others
* Fear that others will recognize their failings
* Desire to run away to avoid the stress of "always'' needing to be "good''
* Exhaustion from always trying to be "perfect''
* Disappointment in not being able to make everyone happy
* Critical of how well they are doing in their personal lives
* Feel unappreciated or taken advantage of
* Feel taken for granted
* Feel like they are being treated like victims
* Feel like the martyr for others
* Fear of making a decision lest it be the wrong one
* Come unglued easily under pressure; unorganized
Negative consequences of people-pleasing behaviors
* Low self-esteem
* Loss of personal identity
* Loss of personal rights
* Being taken advantage of
* Loss of personal time
* Ineffectiveness in managing work
* Inability to direct or supervise others
* Inability to achieve personal goals
* Inability to take a leadership role
* Poor problem solving abilities
* Burnout on the job or at home
* Chronic state of being unappreciated
* Immobilized by irrational beliefs
* Guilt over not accomplishing enough or not being pleasing enough for others
* Inability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships
* Loss of appreciation for self attributes
* Inability to accept kindnesses from others
* Chronic state of self-deprecation
* Chronic state of being hard on self
* Lack of trust in others' sincerity
* Chronic state of insecurity in interacting with others
* Inability to make a decision
* Do not know how to relax
Irrational beliefs of people with the people-pleasing personality traits
* I must be liked by everyone.
* I must do nothing to upset others.
* I must work harder to make things better for others.
* They would never like me if they knew the truth about me.
* I must be careful in my decision making so as not to upset anyone.
* I can never do enough to please them.
* I am responsible for other peoples' happiness.
* How they respond to me is important.
* The harder I work for them, the more they will appreciate me.
* If they don't like me, I'm no good!
* Always put others first! Put yourself last.
* There is no task I won't do for you, large or small.
* People can only like you if you appear nice, pleasant, friendly, and cheerful to them.
* Your only role in life is giving to or helping others.
* If you are not successful, you are a loser and losers are ignored, unloved, and unwanted.
* It's not who you are but what you do that counts.
* You must always be understanding and have an open mind with people who are hurting you or putting you down.
* If someone doesn't accept me, it must be that I'm not "good enough'' to be accepted.
* No matter what I do, it never seems to be "good enough.''
* I can do nothing right. I am worthless, useless, but I can't let others see this about me or they will reject me.
Turning negative people-pleasing traits into positive potential
Negative People-Pleaser Behavior : Positive Potential
Self-sacrificing : This behavior can be converted to rational altruism, in which they are able to be self protective and self rewarding in their "giving'' behavior toward others.
Self-deprecating : This behavior can be converted into realistic self appraisal by their being led to recognize and accept personal strengths, abilities, and attributes. They can be taught that "false humility'' is unhealthy and that it is OK to "toot'' one's horn when appropriate.
Poor decision making ability : This poor decision making can be converted to productive problem solving and effective decision making by allowing themselves the right to hold to their own opinions and to be creative without the fear of what others would say and without fear of retribution. Freeing up their mental energy will result in increased productivity, creativity, and healthy decision making.
Loss of personal identity : By being able to accept themselves for who they are without fear of recriminations or disapproval, they can become firm in their beliefs as to who they are and what they are capable of doing and becoming.
Martyrdom : Rather than placing themselves in situations in which their rights are ignored and where they are taken advantage of, they can learn to be assertive and begin to protect their rights, ceasing to be victimized by others.
Need for approval : By increasing their habits of self-affirmations and positive self-approval, they can alter both their need for approval and their fear of rejection by being their own best friend, cheerleader, reinforcer, and approver. They have to accept and approve of themselves before others will.
Dependent on others for positive reinforcement: Because they have low self-esteem they reinforcement become so dependent on others for attention, affection, and approval that they become "addicted'' to positive affirmation from others. This can be converted by becoming self caring, self affirming, self accepting, and by becoming emotionally independent from others.
Fear of failure : By recognizing that one's worth is not solely dependent on "doing well,'' "achieving things'' or by doing things to please others, they can let go of the fear of letting people down by failing to achieve self-imposed goals or goals others have set for them. Learning to turn failures into growth enhancing experiences is another way they can let go of this fear.
Unswerving loyalty : Those who find security in being loyal to institutions rather than to themselves can reverse this behavior by recognizing the value of self directed attention and concern for personal health and well being. Being loyal to self results in a holistic sense of wellness of body, mind, and spirit.
Hard on self : This results in self punishing and self restrictive behavior. By letting go of the need to be "good enough'' for everyone else and by letting go of perfectionism in personal efforts, they can lighten up on themselves and learn to enjoy life, to relax, have fun and play, nurturing the inner child in themselves.
Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14669-people-pleasing-personality/#ixzz1laUn2uB2
Is People Pleasing Diluting Who You Are And What You’re Capable Of?
Written by Eric Hamm on September 26, 2010
“Hello, my name is Eric and I’m a people pleaser.”
Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing The Right People?
In this post I lay out some of the key signs of being a people pleaser and then offer some tips to help overcome this terrible and self destructive personality trait.
What I found interesting, though, was just how many people could clearly associate with being a people pleaser. If you read through some of the comments you’ll see that many had no problem laying out their life story knowing that they were among fellow pleasing addicts. And those who really got the message had a tone of relief as if a heavy burden had been lifted from their shoulders.
Since writing that post I’ve spoken with many readers about the topic and I’ve come to realize that this is not only a common issue for many, but that the end result is a certain faded version of the individual. Just like pouring water into a glass of fine wine, those who are actively living out their people pleasing personality are quickly diluting their very existence.
In the above mentioned blog post I painted my thoughts on the subject using a broad brush. With this post, however, I would like to refine my focus. So let’s talk about making decisions…
Never Fear Making A Bad Decision, Only Fear Others Making Decisions For You
As a people pleaser it’s easy to give decision making control over to others.
Not only are we often suffering from some form of low self-esteem, but our desire to do what we think others want us to do is often stronger then that of taking control of our lives.
The problem with this unhealthy habit is that we are diluting our decision making data.
When we truly make our own decisions we are able to gather useful information based on the outcome.
Regardless of whether the decision was right or wrong the information provided by the result will prove equally useful for better decision making in the future.
If a child decides to touch a hot stove and gets burned they will have learned just as much as if they touched cold water to sooth their skin.
This is the natural way that our brains use our senses (including our 6th sense…those gut feelings we have) to learn how to improve our way of life. From learning what not to touch so we don’t get burned to better understanding our sense of others. The problem with people pleasing is that it disrupts this process and dilutes the information our brains are trying to absorb.
The reason people pleasing is so destructive to this data is because the results observed when letting others decide your direction is tainted.
Even if you encounter a positive outcome from a people pleasing based decision you will find no use for that data because it tells you nothing about how your own decision would have turned out.
In other words, it’s better to make a bad decision then to let someone else make a good decision for you.
In the short run you may be better off with the latter, but down the road your ability to make your own good choices will atrophy as a result.
Resentment Is Often The Result Of Allowing Others To Direct Your Decisions
When we make a bad decision it can sting for a bit but in the end we live and learn.
But when we make a bad decision and we know that this decision was not the one we wanted to make from the start, we can be devastated.
The saying goes, “You’ve made your bed and now you have to lay in it.” Yet as people pleasers we are constantly laying in a bed made by those around us.
Considering the mess of decisions based on who knows how many personalities and agendas, we find ourselves frustrated that our own less than ideal situation is the result of other peoples mistakes. Resentment, no doubt, ensues.
The problem is that we have no one to blame but ourselves. Because the one choice that we people pleasers always seem to make on our own is to hand over the keys to our own lives.
You Are No Longer You
As time goes on the active people pleaser will become less and less like the unique individual they had come into this world to be.
Just like that water polluted glass of wine, the people pleaser has been so diluted by the people around them that they lose their distinct taste.
So afraid of being disliked or disagreeable they end up being left with little personality.
And let me tell you, it’s better to be loved by some and hated by others then to only be liked by all.
Some may love wine and hate beer or love beer and hate wine, but no one likes a watered down version of either.
The First Steps
There’s nothing more freeing then finally making your own decisions, but the first step is giving yourself permission.
As a people pleaser I know firsthand how hard it is to let myself grab the wheel and push everyone else into the back seat.
We feel guilty for even considering such a thing, but how crazy is that?!
This is our life and we are the ones who have to walk in our shoes or lay in the bed we’ve made.
So the idea that we should have any form of guilt for taking charge of our lives and finally directing our future is insane!
So stop listening to that little people pleasing voice and start making your own decisions, finally gathering that ever important data.
You’ve Got To Walk Before You Can Run
If you’re like me you’ve been trying to please the world around you for decades.
As a result we find our 6th sense to be immature at best.
Once we decide to break free from our people pleasing ways we may find the road ahead to be a bit bumpy at first.
Going too far in one direction and then not far enough, we have to be patient as we feel out our new dedication to making our own decisions and in time we’ll greatly improve the accuracy of our intuition.
If you’re a people pleaser then you will no doubt relate to this scenario.
You’re faced with a tough decision, one which will directly effect others.
Your first thought is a clear take on what direction you should go.
Yet moments later your judgment is clouded by the fear of what if.
What if so and so did such and such when I decide to do this or that?
We try and play out the scenario in our minds to find the path of least resistance.
But the bottom line is that the only path should be the one you feel is best.
And the moment you stop letting your fear of the unknown outcome dictate your decisions is the moment you will be free to live your life like a glass of fine wine, providing a distinct flavor to the world around you.
So stop trying to please and start learning to live your best life possible!
Evolution of the Self
On the paradoxes of personality.
by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D.
From Parent-Pleasing to People-Pleasing: The Journey Away from Self . . . and the Way Back (Part 3 of 3)
How to get beyond the toxic addiction to approval.
Published on July 27, 2008 by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. in Evolution of the Self
How to Get Beyond the People-Pleasing Syndrome
It's certainly understandable that when people-pleasers grow up, they do so with a fully crystallized program that to be good enough they must comply with the wishes and demands of others.
As with so many other personality dysfunctions, they're unable to validate themselves from within so must depend on others to confirm their value from without.
Not having developed any sense that they're inherently worth caring for--i.e., lovable for themselves--they strive to make themselves lovable by becoming for others whatever they think might be wanted from them.
For most people-pleasers, by the time they reach young adulthood the habit of disavowing their needs and deferring to the wishes of their parents has become so well conditioned that this now outdated behavioral program automatically gets repeated (with dozens of variations) once they're on their own.
At the extreme, as "pushovers" or "human doormats," they allow others (at times, may even encourage others) to walk all over them.
For, sadly, being "used" in such fashion actually helps alleviate social anxieties and makes them feel more secure.
The Disease to Please.
Stopping the People-Pleasing Habit
Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., in describing the personal costs of people-pleasing, refers to the exorbitant "price of nice" in her book with the equally catchy title, The Disease to Please. And at this point, a variety of writers have sought to characterize the enormous psychological toll that these exaggerated approval-seeking behaviors take on the lives of people-pleasers. In fact, the reason it's critical that such people determine to re-write this now inappropriate childhood script is simply that they can no longer afford it. Not, that is, if they're ever to get in touch with--and express--their true self; or achieve any sense of well-being or peace of mind.
To briefly delineate some of the most frequently mentioned costs of people-pleasers' "excess niceness," let me offer the following:
Loss of integrity, identity, self-respect and self-esteem;
constant self-criticism and self-belittlement;
nagging sense of guilt and shame about not really being "good enough" for others;
chronic insecurities in personal interactions (for they're feeling okay is so conditional and dependent on others' approval);
inability to sustain healthy relationships with healthy boundaries;
inability to trust, accept or perceive as heartfelt others' kindness or positive feedback;
difficulty or inability to manage, lead or supervise others (for fear of offending--or displeasing--them);
inability to effectively control their time, whether at work or at home (mainly because of problems saying no to others' requests);
inability to stay with or accomplish personal goals (because they're not a high-enough priority for themselves);
inability to make decisions;
and--ultimately--burnout, whether at work, home, or both (partly because people-pleasers don't know how to relax--or don't feel they can let themselves relax--and partly because they're forever driven to prove their worth to others, such that not constantly doing something triggers in them anxiety or guilt).
So how do people-pleasers disencumber themselves of such a self-effacing, life-denying pattern?--or at least ameliorate it?
The short answer is only gradually, and with much effort.
After all, these people-pleasing patterns have become deeply ingrained and associated with the only kind of parental acceptance they may ever have known.
Early programs of adaptation, perceived as intimately tied to family survival, are always knotty and difficult to uproot.
And so they present a formidable challenge.
In fact, typically people-pleasers are ready to devote themselves to altering their self-obliterating ways only when their lives have started to feel unmanageable and out of control.
Having become nothing less than addicted to pleasing others--and people-pleasing really is a kind of relationship addiction--for them to "abstain" from such habitual approval-striving requires a great deal of patience, restraint, fortitude and discipline.
Feeling more and more enslaved by the needs of those they've so obsessively catered to, their readiness to change is generally signaled by their growing resentment.
It is a resentment that over time has accumulated so much mass that inevitably it's begun to leak out in the form of passive-aggressive behavior.
Still afraid to show anger directly--for unconsciously they're still under the influence of their parents' negative reaction whenever they showed this defiant emotion as children--they can no longer contain the acutely felt indignity of their situation.
(And it should be added that many people-pleasers become so frustrated about having to stifle themselves that with enough provocation they can verbally explode at the person they've been taking such inordinately good care of.)
Ultimately, the solution for people-pleasers, as with so many other dysfunctional personality patterns, is to learn how to become more self-validating.
Only through learning how to feel okay solely from within is it possible to undo the essential motivation for pleasing others--which, of course, is based on the need to earn their validation.
To this point, people-pleasers have been unable to internalize (or make "real" for themselves) this external validation anyway.
Like any other addiction (whether to a substance, activity, or relationship) implicitly the keyword for them has been more.
For without the ability to truly "get" that they're good enough--despite any number of compliments or kudos from without--they've spent their whole lives trying to get more and more of what finally could never lead to the self-approval and -acceptance they've yearned for all along.
And here is precisely where it becomes obvious how people-pleasing is virtually synonymous with low self-esteem.
For people who truly value themselves simply don't need to focus on pleasing others in order to feel (conditionally) good enough.
With sufficient self-valuing, they're free to independently pursue their own dreams, not feel bound to fulfill someone else's.
Most of the literature I've reviewed in preparing this piece centers on straightforward techniques to help people-pleasers break their self-defeating practice of subordinating their needs to others. In summarizing some of these writers' suggestions (which overlap considerably)--as well describing what, professionally, I myself have found effective--I should add the caveat that the key to people-pleasers' metamorphosis is not in doing anything differently as such, but in learning over time how to come from a place of genuine self-deserving. And such an attitudinal transformation can be extremely challenging because it contrasts sharply with the way they were originally "trained" to feel by parents who--though they may have done the best they were capable of--were still overly needy, withdrawn, self-absorbed, demanding, hostile, or intimidating/authoritarian.
Again, it can hardly be overemphasized that the reason overcoming this so-called "disease to please" can be so problematic is that people-pleasers experienced their placating behavior as the best--or only--way to gain their caretakers' love and caring. As with almost everything else relating to the human psyche, when a behavioral pattern that is clearly maladaptive as an adult was once adaptive as a child, there will be a strong, deep-seated resistance to changing it.
And this opposition will hold regardless of how much, consciously, the individual truly desires to change it.
For the anxious child within can only view such efforts as gravely threatening the need for personal security (which is so intimately linked to avoiding parental disapproval).
Consequently, it's important for people making the commitment to alter their self-effacing, other-directed behaviors to anticipate feelings of hesitancy, nervousness, guilt and ambivalence.
To whatever degree, such feelings are likely to show up almost every time they act in a self-interested (vs. self-sacrificing) manner.
The best formula for success, then, is to acknowledge these feelings as they come up and speak to the apprehensive child within--who "owns," or "has custody of," such doubts.
Gently and reassuringly (but firmly as well), the child self needs to be repeatedly reminded that they have a perfect right both to assert their needs and to say no whenever a request or demand feels unfair or excessive to them.
Over and over they need to get the new and revised message that their own wants and desires are legitimate and important, and that it's safe to hold onto them even when they differ from another's.
Some of the many methods useful for transforming the people-pleasing personality syndrome include the following:
Acknowledge and understand the various ways you subordinate your will to others.
Try to pinpoint how, when, and with what people you give up your personal power in efforts to secure the relationship.
Become more aware not only of when you revert to people-pleasing behaviors, but exactly what your motives are in such instances.
Notice, particularly, the sensations you feel in your body when you're defaulting to your anxiety-alleviating "defense" of compliance.
Become more sensitive to the cues and triggers that routinely prompt you to take a pacifying, conciliatory position with others.
As trite as it sounds, make an abiding commitment to be true to yourself-that is, not to say or do anything solely because it would increase the likelihood of another's approval.
Rather, start making your own needs clearer to people who matter to you.
And begin right now to practice this in your head till such assertiveness begins to feel more real and comfortable to you. (If possible, also consider role-playing this "new and improved" version of yourself with your spouse, a trusted friend-or with a therapist, whose feedback might be particularly illuminating.)
Relating to the above, consider buying a book on assertiveness (there are many excellent ones available); or reading whatever literature on the subject you can find on the Web.
If your people-pleasing is widespread and not focused, say, just on angry people, or people of one sex, or people in authority (who, unconsciously, remind you of your parents), you probably need to learn much more about what effective assertive behavior looks like in practice. The more examples of good, assertive behavior you can find the better.
Put into practice what you've decided to change.
Encourage yourself to go farther and farther outside your emotional comfort zone.
Start expressing your thoughts and feelings, wants and needs--independent of whether you see the other person(s) as likely to agree with you.
Remember, finally it doesn't make much sense to keep in your life people who lack a sincere interest in your welfare.
Additionally, as an adult, realize that you also have the right to minimize, or avoid altogether, family members who are unable or unwilling to treat you with the consideration and respect you're entitled to.
Beware of your tendency to automatically agree with, or defer to, others.
Rather than respond immediately to a statement or request, recognize that any reflexive reaction is likely to be steeped in old compliance programming.
Instead, pause before you respond and think less about what the other person may want from you than on what you want--what in the present situation best suits your needs (or at least doesn't ignore them).
And here I'm certainly not advocating that you become selfish, that you make your preferences your one and only priority.
Rather, I'm suggesting you remind yourself that your needs are as important as anyone else's, and that you should avoid going along with someone else's agenda simply because it's always been your "line of least resistance."
Do things for others because you really care about them--not simply because you're afraid they'd abandon you if you didn't. (And, again, remember that anyone who would forsake you if you failed to submit to their preferences really isn't someone you want in your life anyhow.)
Do everything possible to heal your psychological wounds from childhood.
Because your people-pleasing patterns probably came into existence to help you reduce strong feelings of vulnerability with your parents, to the degree that you can access those earlier hurt and scared parts of yourself, you can let them know that that part of your life exists now only as memory--that you're now grown up and have your own authority, and that your inner security no longer hinges on placating and "making nice" to others.
If you can't seem to reach these early, recessive parts of yourself and resolve what, essentially, are their issues, I'd highly recommend you consider counseling with a therapist who specializes in inner child work (possibly using a modality such as EMDR, Lifespan Integration, or Internal Family Systems Therapy).
Develop greater autonomy. This suggestion is taken from Jay Earley, Ph.D., who specifically discusses how people-pleasers can transform compliance into autonomy.
Here, verbatim, are some of his pointers:
Set limits when you need to
Stand your ground when others disagree or push their perspective [on you].
Recognize that other people may not always like what you say or do, and take the risk to do it anyway.
As you practice being autonomous, your People Pleaser part may fear that you are being unpleasant or unnecessarily aggressive because it isn't used to this.
Reassure it that you are just taking care of yourself, and that's OK
Become an expert on the subject of people-pleasing.
Amazon lists no fewer than four books on people-pleasing published since 2002.
If you're a people-pleaser better able to keep ideas for change fresh by reading regularly on the subject--if reading helps remind you of the bad habits you wish to discard and the new skills you're committed to acquire--then it might make sense to purchase one or more of these books (after reviewing them on Amazon.com).
But beware! Reading about something is hardly the same as actually doing it.
So don't fall into the trap of substituting the intellectual experience of learning more and more about this toxic phenomenon for actively challenging yourself--day-by-day--to alter the personal thoughts and interpersonal behaviors that, till now, have undermined your self-esteem, self-confidence and self-development.
Throughout this process of recovery--and personal re-discovery--remember that the essence of all of us is worthwhile.
We all deserve love.
When we can at last please ourselves--become the loving, supportive, nurturing parent to the wounded child parts deep within us--we'll be well on our way to reclaiming our most authentic self.
And this is the same self we felt obliged to abandon when pleasing our parents seemed tantamount to our very survival.
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2010/01/people-pleasers-and-doormats-care-what-people-think-about-them.html
People Pleasers and Doormats Care What People Think About Them
Posted by Lin on January 3, 2010 · 5 Comments
Are you a people pleaser?
Do you care what people think about you?
Should you care what other people think about you or not?
Do you have the “disease to please” people in your life to the point where you feel like you have become someone’s personal doormat to wipe their dirty feet on?
Do you have difficulty saying no to requests and then feel angry or resentful because you said yes, again?
Who is pulling your strings?
By definition, people pleasers are people who have a disproportionate and unhealthy need in their personality to give in to the wants, whims and desires of others around them, to the point of sacrificing their own wants or needs.
People pleasers, pushovers and doormats lack assertiveness skills and hold back from speaking up and saying what they really think or feel, and they hold back from asking for what they need or want because they’re worried someone will get upset about it.
Having a people pleasing personality is great…..until. Being considerate, thoughtful, gracious and willing to help others are admirable traits and characteristics, but suffering from doormat syndrome or being a people pleaser to your own detriment are not so admirable.
People pleasers put other people’s needs before their own, rarely doing things for themselves and then feel guilty about it.
People pleasers spend time with difficult people who don’t care about or consider other people’s wants or needs above their own- not even a little bit.
People pleasers will jump through hoops, so to speak, to make unhappy, insensitive, selfish, ungrateful, controlling, mentally and emotionally abusive people feel better about themselves, to their own detriment.
If you are tolerating problematic family relationships out of a sense of duty, obligation or a sense of Christian responsibility, your personal concept and belief system of what family is or isn’t needs to be reexamined and analyzed closely.
People Pleasers and Doormat Syndrome
Are you dealing with extremely difficult people in your life?
What does the term “toxic people” mean to you?
Do you find yourself in personal or professional relationships where you feel used, abused, battered and beaten down mentally, emotionally, or perhaps even financially?
Do you habitually give in to people because the mere thought of displeasing or upsetting them is too much for you to deal with?
Do you spend too much of your time, energies or money trying to keep other people happy because of fear of what they will think of you if you stopped?
Why do you care what others think about you?
If you routinely put your own needs aside because of wanting to make other people happy, perhaps discovering that he or she is not the least bit grateful or genuinely appreciative for the things you do, you are a classic people pleaser.
Here’s some advice: Stop being a martyr, victim, people pleaser or doormat stressing out and worrying about what other people may or may not think of you.
Stop caring what people think about you and start living your life free of the stress, worry and anxiety about what others think or want from you.
The cost of caring what your boss, coworkers, subordinates, friends, family members, spouse, grown adult children, parents, inlaws, siblings or other difficult relatives think about you needs to stop.
Allowing the opinions of others in your life to control, manipulate and trample on your self-worth is too high a price to pay to feel accepted, liked, loved or validated.
Who is the puppet master in your life?
Can you afford the high cost of people pleasing?
If you suffer from people pleaser “excess niceness” syndrome, consider the following list of costs typically associated with being a people pleaser or doormat.
Loss of identity, self-respect, self-esteem and personal integrity.
Burnout.
Nagging doubt about being “good enough” for others.
A debilitating sense of guilt, shame, insecurity and inability creating and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships.
Difficulty or problems managing, leading or supervising others at home and/or work;
inability or difficulty trusting others, accepting kindness, positive feedback or heartfelt compliments from others.
Difficulty making decisions, sticking with and accomplishing personal goals, because people pleasers inherently make others a priority over themselves.
People pleasing personality types find it virtually impossible to deny any or all requests made upon them even when doing so creates stress, chaos, financial burden, anxiety attacks, depression and even bankruptcy.
The need for the approval and acceptance of others becomes debilitating for people pleasers, where fear of saying no and the intense aversion to confrontations or angry reprisals causes people pleasers to give in time after time after time.
Stop caring what people think about you. Relying on the opinions of others for approval, acceptance and validation is a self-sabotaging behavior and is detrimental to your health, happiness and wellbeing. Harriet B. Braikder, Ph.D writes in her book The Disease To Please, “As a people-pleaser, you feel controlled by your need to please others and addicted to their approval. At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created”. Does that sound rational to you?
Not caring how other people think or feel towards you doesn’t mean that you should become selfish or egotistical, or that you should make your personal wants, preferences and needs the only priority in your life.
Not at all.
I’m suggesting that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s; that you should avoid seeking acceptance or approval from people who have their own selfish agenda.
Do things for others because you really care about them and want to, rather than out of fear that they won’t like you or will abandon you if you don’t do what they want.
Stop allowing other people’s opinions, needs or wants to control or dictate who or what you are as a person.
If someone doesn’t like you or stops liking you because you don’t do what they want, then you’re being used by them and they are not someone you need in your life anyway.
Take your power back.
Learn to let go of the disease to please other people and remind yourself that you ARE good enough!
Treatment
1) Express your beliefs firmly
2) Praise your actions often.
3) Think before obliging (socially, emotionally, physically, financially) any one.
4) Sound firm and with conviction ALWAYS
4) Set a goal in life, work towards achieving that - WHO YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN AS WHEN YOU ARE ALIVE AND AFTER YOU ARE DEAD???
5) Let your dreams be known to people close to you, who love you.
6) Take hold of your time, money, energy, values, health, property, beliefs.
* Chronic state of insecurity in interacting with others
* Inability to make a decision
* Do not know how to relax
Irrational beliefs of people with the people-pleasing personality traits
* I must be liked by everyone.
* I must do nothing to upset others.
* I must work harder to make things better for others.
* They would never like me if they knew the truth about me.
* I must be careful in my decision making so as not to upset anyone.
* I can never do enough to please them.
* I am responsible for other peoples' happiness.
* How they respond to me is important.
* The harder I work for them, the more they will appreciate me.
* If they don't like me, I'm no good!
* Always put others first! Put yourself last.
* There is no task I won't do for you, large or small.
* People can only like you if you appear nice, pleasant, friendly, and cheerful to them.
* Your only role in life is giving to or helping others.
* If you are not successful, you are a loser and losers are ignored, unloved, and unwanted.
* It's not who you are but what you do that counts.
* You must always be understanding and have an open mind with people who are hurting you or putting you down.
* If someone doesn't accept me, it must be that I'm not "good enough'' to be accepted.
* No matter what I do, it never seems to be "good enough.''
* I can do nothing right. I am worthless, useless, but I can't let others see this about me or they will reject me.
Turning negative people-pleasing traits into positive potential
Negative People-Pleaser Behavior : Positive Potential
Self-sacrificing : This behavior can be converted to rational altruism, in which they are able to be self protective and self rewarding in their "giving'' behavior toward others.
Self-deprecating : This behavior can be converted into realistic self appraisal by their being led to recognize and accept personal strengths, abilities, and attributes. They can be taught that "false humility'' is unhealthy and that it is OK to "toot'' one's horn when appropriate.
Poor decision making ability : This poor decision making can be converted to productive problem solving and effective decision making by allowing themselves the right to hold to their own opinions and to be creative without the fear of what others would say and without fear of retribution. Freeing up their mental energy will result in increased productivity, creativity, and healthy decision making.
Loss of personal identity : By being able to accept themselves for who they are without fear of recriminations or disapproval, they can become firm in their beliefs as to who they are and what they are capable of doing and becoming.
Martyrdom : Rather than placing themselves in situations in which their rights are ignored and where they are taken advantage of, they can learn to be assertive and begin to protect their rights, ceasing to be victimized by others.
Need for approval : By increasing their habits of self-affirmations and positive self-approval, they can alter both their need for approval and their fear of rejection by being their own best friend, cheerleader, reinforcer, and approver. They have to accept and approve of themselves before others will.
Dependent on others for positive reinforcement: Because they have low self-esteem they reinforcement become so dependent on others for attention, affection, and approval that they become "addicted'' to positive affirmation from others. This can be converted by becoming self caring, self affirming, self accepting, and by becoming emotionally independent from others.
Fear of failure : By recognizing that one's worth is not solely dependent on "doing well,'' "achieving things'' or by doing things to please others, they can let go of the fear of letting people down by failing to achieve self-imposed goals or goals others have set for them. Learning to turn failures into growth enhancing experiences is another way they can let go of this fear.
Unswerving loyalty : Those who find security in being loyal to institutions rather than to themselves can reverse this behavior by recognizing the value of self directed attention and concern for personal health and well being. Being loyal to self results in a holistic sense of wellness of body, mind, and spirit.
Hard on self : This results in self punishing and self restrictive behavior. By letting go of the need to be "good enough'' for everyone else and by letting go of perfectionism in personal efforts, they can lighten up on themselves and learn to enjoy life, to relax, have fun and play, nurturing the inner child in themselves.
Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14669-people-pleasing-personality/#ixzz1laUn2uB2
Is People Pleasing Diluting Who You Are And What You’re Capable Of?
Written by Eric Hamm on September 26, 2010
“Hello, my name is Eric and I’m a people pleaser.”
Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing The Right People?
In this post I lay out some of the key signs of being a people pleaser and then offer some tips to help overcome this terrible and self destructive personality trait.
What I found interesting, though, was just how many people could clearly associate with being a people pleaser. If you read through some of the comments you’ll see that many had no problem laying out their life story knowing that they were among fellow pleasing addicts. And those who really got the message had a tone of relief as if a heavy burden had been lifted from their shoulders.
Since writing that post I’ve spoken with many readers about the topic and I’ve come to realize that this is not only a common issue for many, but that the end result is a certain faded version of the individual. Just like pouring water into a glass of fine wine, those who are actively living out their people pleasing personality are quickly diluting their very existence.
In the above mentioned blog post I painted my thoughts on the subject using a broad brush. With this post, however, I would like to refine my focus. So let’s talk about making decisions…
Never Fear Making A Bad Decision, Only Fear Others Making Decisions For You
As a people pleaser it’s easy to give decision making control over to others.
Not only are we often suffering from some form of low self-esteem, but our desire to do what we think others want us to do is often stronger then that of taking control of our lives.
The problem with this unhealthy habit is that we are diluting our decision making data.
When we truly make our own decisions we are able to gather useful information based on the outcome.
Regardless of whether the decision was right or wrong the information provided by the result will prove equally useful for better decision making in the future.
If a child decides to touch a hot stove and gets burned they will have learned just as much as if they touched cold water to sooth their skin.
This is the natural way that our brains use our senses (including our 6th sense…those gut feelings we have) to learn how to improve our way of life. From learning what not to touch so we don’t get burned to better understanding our sense of others. The problem with people pleasing is that it disrupts this process and dilutes the information our brains are trying to absorb.
The reason people pleasing is so destructive to this data is because the results observed when letting others decide your direction is tainted.
Even if you encounter a positive outcome from a people pleasing based decision you will find no use for that data because it tells you nothing about how your own decision would have turned out.
In other words, it’s better to make a bad decision then to let someone else make a good decision for you.
In the short run you may be better off with the latter, but down the road your ability to make your own good choices will atrophy as a result.
Resentment Is Often The Result Of Allowing Others To Direct Your Decisions
When we make a bad decision it can sting for a bit but in the end we live and learn.
But when we make a bad decision and we know that this decision was not the one we wanted to make from the start, we can be devastated.
The saying goes, “You’ve made your bed and now you have to lay in it.” Yet as people pleasers we are constantly laying in a bed made by those around us.
Considering the mess of decisions based on who knows how many personalities and agendas, we find ourselves frustrated that our own less than ideal situation is the result of other peoples mistakes. Resentment, no doubt, ensues.
The problem is that we have no one to blame but ourselves. Because the one choice that we people pleasers always seem to make on our own is to hand over the keys to our own lives.
You Are No Longer You
As time goes on the active people pleaser will become less and less like the unique individual they had come into this world to be.
Just like that water polluted glass of wine, the people pleaser has been so diluted by the people around them that they lose their distinct taste.
So afraid of being disliked or disagreeable they end up being left with little personality.
And let me tell you, it’s better to be loved by some and hated by others then to only be liked by all.
Some may love wine and hate beer or love beer and hate wine, but no one likes a watered down version of either.
The First Steps
There’s nothing more freeing then finally making your own decisions, but the first step is giving yourself permission.
As a people pleaser I know firsthand how hard it is to let myself grab the wheel and push everyone else into the back seat.
We feel guilty for even considering such a thing, but how crazy is that?!
This is our life and we are the ones who have to walk in our shoes or lay in the bed we’ve made.
So the idea that we should have any form of guilt for taking charge of our lives and finally directing our future is insane!
So stop listening to that little people pleasing voice and start making your own decisions, finally gathering that ever important data.
You’ve Got To Walk Before You Can Run
If you’re like me you’ve been trying to please the world around you for decades.
As a result we find our 6th sense to be immature at best.
Once we decide to break free from our people pleasing ways we may find the road ahead to be a bit bumpy at first.
Going too far in one direction and then not far enough, we have to be patient as we feel out our new dedication to making our own decisions and in time we’ll greatly improve the accuracy of our intuition.
Never Let Fear Dictate Your Decisions
If you’re a people pleaser then you will no doubt relate to this scenario.
You’re faced with a tough decision, one which will directly effect others.
Your first thought is a clear take on what direction you should go.
Yet moments later your judgment is clouded by the fear of what if.
What if so and so did such and such when I decide to do this or that?
We try and play out the scenario in our minds to find the path of least resistance.
But the bottom line is that the only path should be the one you feel is best.
And the moment you stop letting your fear of the unknown outcome dictate your decisions is the moment you will be free to live your life like a glass of fine wine, providing a distinct flavor to the world around you.
So stop trying to please and start learning to live your best life possible!
Evolution of the Self
On the paradoxes of personality.
by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D.
From Parent-Pleasing to People-Pleasing: The Journey Away from Self . . . and the Way Back (Part 3 of 3)
How to get beyond the toxic addiction to approval.
Published on July 27, 2008 by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. in Evolution of the Self
How to Get Beyond the People-Pleasing Syndrome
It's certainly understandable that when people-pleasers grow up, they do so with a fully crystallized program that to be good enough they must comply with the wishes and demands of others.
As with so many other personality dysfunctions, they're unable to validate themselves from within so must depend on others to confirm their value from without.
Not having developed any sense that they're inherently worth caring for--i.e., lovable for themselves--they strive to make themselves lovable by becoming for others whatever they think might be wanted from them.
For most people-pleasers, by the time they reach young adulthood the habit of disavowing their needs and deferring to the wishes of their parents has become so well conditioned that this now outdated behavioral program automatically gets repeated (with dozens of variations) once they're on their own.
At the extreme, as "pushovers" or "human doormats," they allow others (at times, may even encourage others) to walk all over them.
For, sadly, being "used" in such fashion actually helps alleviate social anxieties and makes them feel more secure.
The Disease to Please.
Stopping the People-Pleasing Habit
Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., in describing the personal costs of people-pleasing, refers to the exorbitant "price of nice" in her book with the equally catchy title, The Disease to Please. And at this point, a variety of writers have sought to characterize the enormous psychological toll that these exaggerated approval-seeking behaviors take on the lives of people-pleasers. In fact, the reason it's critical that such people determine to re-write this now inappropriate childhood script is simply that they can no longer afford it. Not, that is, if they're ever to get in touch with--and express--their true self; or achieve any sense of well-being or peace of mind.
To briefly delineate some of the most frequently mentioned costs of people-pleasers' "excess niceness," let me offer the following:
Loss of integrity, identity, self-respect and self-esteem;
constant self-criticism and self-belittlement;
nagging sense of guilt and shame about not really being "good enough" for others;
chronic insecurities in personal interactions (for they're feeling okay is so conditional and dependent on others' approval);
inability to sustain healthy relationships with healthy boundaries;
inability to trust, accept or perceive as heartfelt others' kindness or positive feedback;
difficulty or inability to manage, lead or supervise others (for fear of offending--or displeasing--them);
inability to effectively control their time, whether at work or at home (mainly because of problems saying no to others' requests);
inability to stay with or accomplish personal goals (because they're not a high-enough priority for themselves);
inability to make decisions;
and--ultimately--burnout, whether at work, home, or both (partly because people-pleasers don't know how to relax--or don't feel they can let themselves relax--and partly because they're forever driven to prove their worth to others, such that not constantly doing something triggers in them anxiety or guilt).
So how do people-pleasers disencumber themselves of such a self-effacing, life-denying pattern?--or at least ameliorate it?
The short answer is only gradually, and with much effort.
After all, these people-pleasing patterns have become deeply ingrained and associated with the only kind of parental acceptance they may ever have known.
Early programs of adaptation, perceived as intimately tied to family survival, are always knotty and difficult to uproot.
And so they present a formidable challenge.
In fact, typically people-pleasers are ready to devote themselves to altering their self-obliterating ways only when their lives have started to feel unmanageable and out of control.
Having become nothing less than addicted to pleasing others--and people-pleasing really is a kind of relationship addiction--for them to "abstain" from such habitual approval-striving requires a great deal of patience, restraint, fortitude and discipline.
Feeling more and more enslaved by the needs of those they've so obsessively catered to, their readiness to change is generally signaled by their growing resentment.
It is a resentment that over time has accumulated so much mass that inevitably it's begun to leak out in the form of passive-aggressive behavior.
Still afraid to show anger directly--for unconsciously they're still under the influence of their parents' negative reaction whenever they showed this defiant emotion as children--they can no longer contain the acutely felt indignity of their situation.
(And it should be added that many people-pleasers become so frustrated about having to stifle themselves that with enough provocation they can verbally explode at the person they've been taking such inordinately good care of.)
Ultimately, the solution for people-pleasers, as with so many other dysfunctional personality patterns, is to learn how to become more self-validating.
Only through learning how to feel okay solely from within is it possible to undo the essential motivation for pleasing others--which, of course, is based on the need to earn their validation.
To this point, people-pleasers have been unable to internalize (or make "real" for themselves) this external validation anyway.
Like any other addiction (whether to a substance, activity, or relationship) implicitly the keyword for them has been more.
For without the ability to truly "get" that they're good enough--despite any number of compliments or kudos from without--they've spent their whole lives trying to get more and more of what finally could never lead to the self-approval and -acceptance they've yearned for all along.
And here is precisely where it becomes obvious how people-pleasing is virtually synonymous with low self-esteem.
For people who truly value themselves simply don't need to focus on pleasing others in order to feel (conditionally) good enough.
With sufficient self-valuing, they're free to independently pursue their own dreams, not feel bound to fulfill someone else's.
Most of the literature I've reviewed in preparing this piece centers on straightforward techniques to help people-pleasers break their self-defeating practice of subordinating their needs to others. In summarizing some of these writers' suggestions (which overlap considerably)--as well describing what, professionally, I myself have found effective--I should add the caveat that the key to people-pleasers' metamorphosis is not in doing anything differently as such, but in learning over time how to come from a place of genuine self-deserving. And such an attitudinal transformation can be extremely challenging because it contrasts sharply with the way they were originally "trained" to feel by parents who--though they may have done the best they were capable of--were still overly needy, withdrawn, self-absorbed, demanding, hostile, or intimidating/authoritarian.
Again, it can hardly be overemphasized that the reason overcoming this so-called "disease to please" can be so problematic is that people-pleasers experienced their placating behavior as the best--or only--way to gain their caretakers' love and caring. As with almost everything else relating to the human psyche, when a behavioral pattern that is clearly maladaptive as an adult was once adaptive as a child, there will be a strong, deep-seated resistance to changing it.
And this opposition will hold regardless of how much, consciously, the individual truly desires to change it.
For the anxious child within can only view such efforts as gravely threatening the need for personal security (which is so intimately linked to avoiding parental disapproval).
Consequently, it's important for people making the commitment to alter their self-effacing, other-directed behaviors to anticipate feelings of hesitancy, nervousness, guilt and ambivalence.
To whatever degree, such feelings are likely to show up almost every time they act in a self-interested (vs. self-sacrificing) manner.
The best formula for success, then, is to acknowledge these feelings as they come up and speak to the apprehensive child within--who "owns," or "has custody of," such doubts.
Gently and reassuringly (but firmly as well), the child self needs to be repeatedly reminded that they have a perfect right both to assert their needs and to say no whenever a request or demand feels unfair or excessive to them.
Over and over they need to get the new and revised message that their own wants and desires are legitimate and important, and that it's safe to hold onto them even when they differ from another's.
Some of the many methods useful for transforming the people-pleasing personality syndrome include the following:
Acknowledge and understand the various ways you subordinate your will to others.
Try to pinpoint how, when, and with what people you give up your personal power in efforts to secure the relationship.
Become more aware not only of when you revert to people-pleasing behaviors, but exactly what your motives are in such instances.
Notice, particularly, the sensations you feel in your body when you're defaulting to your anxiety-alleviating "defense" of compliance.
Become more sensitive to the cues and triggers that routinely prompt you to take a pacifying, conciliatory position with others.
As trite as it sounds, make an abiding commitment to be true to yourself-that is, not to say or do anything solely because it would increase the likelihood of another's approval.
Rather, start making your own needs clearer to people who matter to you.
And begin right now to practice this in your head till such assertiveness begins to feel more real and comfortable to you. (If possible, also consider role-playing this "new and improved" version of yourself with your spouse, a trusted friend-or with a therapist, whose feedback might be particularly illuminating.)
Relating to the above, consider buying a book on assertiveness (there are many excellent ones available); or reading whatever literature on the subject you can find on the Web.
If your people-pleasing is widespread and not focused, say, just on angry people, or people of one sex, or people in authority (who, unconsciously, remind you of your parents), you probably need to learn much more about what effective assertive behavior looks like in practice. The more examples of good, assertive behavior you can find the better.
Put into practice what you've decided to change.
Encourage yourself to go farther and farther outside your emotional comfort zone.
Start expressing your thoughts and feelings, wants and needs--independent of whether you see the other person(s) as likely to agree with you.
Remember, finally it doesn't make much sense to keep in your life people who lack a sincere interest in your welfare.
Additionally, as an adult, realize that you also have the right to minimize, or avoid altogether, family members who are unable or unwilling to treat you with the consideration and respect you're entitled to.
Beware of your tendency to automatically agree with, or defer to, others.
Rather than respond immediately to a statement or request, recognize that any reflexive reaction is likely to be steeped in old compliance programming.
Instead, pause before you respond and think less about what the other person may want from you than on what you want--what in the present situation best suits your needs (or at least doesn't ignore them).
And here I'm certainly not advocating that you become selfish, that you make your preferences your one and only priority.
Rather, I'm suggesting you remind yourself that your needs are as important as anyone else's, and that you should avoid going along with someone else's agenda simply because it's always been your "line of least resistance."
Do things for others because you really care about them--not simply because you're afraid they'd abandon you if you didn't. (And, again, remember that anyone who would forsake you if you failed to submit to their preferences really isn't someone you want in your life anyhow.)
Do everything possible to heal your psychological wounds from childhood.
Because your people-pleasing patterns probably came into existence to help you reduce strong feelings of vulnerability with your parents, to the degree that you can access those earlier hurt and scared parts of yourself, you can let them know that that part of your life exists now only as memory--that you're now grown up and have your own authority, and that your inner security no longer hinges on placating and "making nice" to others.
If you can't seem to reach these early, recessive parts of yourself and resolve what, essentially, are their issues, I'd highly recommend you consider counseling with a therapist who specializes in inner child work (possibly using a modality such as EMDR, Lifespan Integration, or Internal Family Systems Therapy).
Develop greater autonomy. This suggestion is taken from Jay Earley, Ph.D., who specifically discusses how people-pleasers can transform compliance into autonomy.
Here, verbatim, are some of his pointers:
Set limits when you need to
Stand your ground when others disagree or push their perspective [on you].
Recognize that other people may not always like what you say or do, and take the risk to do it anyway.
As you practice being autonomous, your People Pleaser part may fear that you are being unpleasant or unnecessarily aggressive because it isn't used to this.
Reassure it that you are just taking care of yourself, and that's OK
Become an expert on the subject of people-pleasing.
Amazon lists no fewer than four books on people-pleasing published since 2002.
If you're a people-pleaser better able to keep ideas for change fresh by reading regularly on the subject--if reading helps remind you of the bad habits you wish to discard and the new skills you're committed to acquire--then it might make sense to purchase one or more of these books (after reviewing them on Amazon.com).
But beware! Reading about something is hardly the same as actually doing it.
So don't fall into the trap of substituting the intellectual experience of learning more and more about this toxic phenomenon for actively challenging yourself--day-by-day--to alter the personal thoughts and interpersonal behaviors that, till now, have undermined your self-esteem, self-confidence and self-development.
Throughout this process of recovery--and personal re-discovery--remember that the essence of all of us is worthwhile.
We all deserve love.
When we can at last please ourselves--become the loving, supportive, nurturing parent to the wounded child parts deep within us--we'll be well on our way to reclaiming our most authentic self.
And this is the same self we felt obliged to abandon when pleasing our parents seemed tantamount to our very survival.
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2010/01/people-pleasers-and-doormats-care-what-people-think-about-them.html
People Pleasers and Doormats Care What People Think About Them
Posted by Lin on January 3, 2010 · 5 Comments
Are you a people pleaser?
Do you care what people think about you?
Should you care what other people think about you or not?
Do you have the “disease to please” people in your life to the point where you feel like you have become someone’s personal doormat to wipe their dirty feet on?
Do you have difficulty saying no to requests and then feel angry or resentful because you said yes, again?
Who is pulling your strings?
By definition, people pleasers are people who have a disproportionate and unhealthy need in their personality to give in to the wants, whims and desires of others around them, to the point of sacrificing their own wants or needs.
People pleasers, pushovers and doormats lack assertiveness skills and hold back from speaking up and saying what they really think or feel, and they hold back from asking for what they need or want because they’re worried someone will get upset about it.
Having a people pleasing personality is great…..until. Being considerate, thoughtful, gracious and willing to help others are admirable traits and characteristics, but suffering from doormat syndrome or being a people pleaser to your own detriment are not so admirable.
People pleasers put other people’s needs before their own, rarely doing things for themselves and then feel guilty about it.
People pleasers spend time with difficult people who don’t care about or consider other people’s wants or needs above their own- not even a little bit.
People pleasers will jump through hoops, so to speak, to make unhappy, insensitive, selfish, ungrateful, controlling, mentally and emotionally abusive people feel better about themselves, to their own detriment.
If you are tolerating problematic family relationships out of a sense of duty, obligation or a sense of Christian responsibility, your personal concept and belief system of what family is or isn’t needs to be reexamined and analyzed closely.
People Pleasers and Doormat Syndrome
Are you dealing with extremely difficult people in your life?
What does the term “toxic people” mean to you?
Do you find yourself in personal or professional relationships where you feel used, abused, battered and beaten down mentally, emotionally, or perhaps even financially?
Do you habitually give in to people because the mere thought of displeasing or upsetting them is too much for you to deal with?
Do you spend too much of your time, energies or money trying to keep other people happy because of fear of what they will think of you if you stopped?
Why do you care what others think about you?
If you routinely put your own needs aside because of wanting to make other people happy, perhaps discovering that he or she is not the least bit grateful or genuinely appreciative for the things you do, you are a classic people pleaser.
Here’s some advice: Stop being a martyr, victim, people pleaser or doormat stressing out and worrying about what other people may or may not think of you.
Stop caring what people think about you and start living your life free of the stress, worry and anxiety about what others think or want from you.
The cost of caring what your boss, coworkers, subordinates, friends, family members, spouse, grown adult children, parents, inlaws, siblings or other difficult relatives think about you needs to stop.
Allowing the opinions of others in your life to control, manipulate and trample on your self-worth is too high a price to pay to feel accepted, liked, loved or validated.
Who is the puppet master in your life?
Can you afford the high cost of people pleasing?
If you suffer from people pleaser “excess niceness” syndrome, consider the following list of costs typically associated with being a people pleaser or doormat.
Loss of identity, self-respect, self-esteem and personal integrity.
Burnout.
Nagging doubt about being “good enough” for others.
A debilitating sense of guilt, shame, insecurity and inability creating and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships.
Difficulty or problems managing, leading or supervising others at home and/or work;
inability or difficulty trusting others, accepting kindness, positive feedback or heartfelt compliments from others.
Difficulty making decisions, sticking with and accomplishing personal goals, because people pleasers inherently make others a priority over themselves.
People pleasing personality types find it virtually impossible to deny any or all requests made upon them even when doing so creates stress, chaos, financial burden, anxiety attacks, depression and even bankruptcy.
The need for the approval and acceptance of others becomes debilitating for people pleasers, where fear of saying no and the intense aversion to confrontations or angry reprisals causes people pleasers to give in time after time after time.
Stop caring what people think about you. Relying on the opinions of others for approval, acceptance and validation is a self-sabotaging behavior and is detrimental to your health, happiness and wellbeing. Harriet B. Braikder, Ph.D writes in her book The Disease To Please, “As a people-pleaser, you feel controlled by your need to please others and addicted to their approval. At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created”. Does that sound rational to you?
Not caring how other people think or feel towards you doesn’t mean that you should become selfish or egotistical, or that you should make your personal wants, preferences and needs the only priority in your life.
Not at all.
I’m suggesting that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s; that you should avoid seeking acceptance or approval from people who have their own selfish agenda.
Do things for others because you really care about them and want to, rather than out of fear that they won’t like you or will abandon you if you don’t do what they want.
Stop allowing other people’s opinions, needs or wants to control or dictate who or what you are as a person.
If someone doesn’t like you or stops liking you because you don’t do what they want, then you’re being used by them and they are not someone you need in your life anyway.
Take your power back.
Learn to let go of the disease to please other people and remind yourself that you ARE good enough!
Treatment
1) Express your beliefs firmly
2) Praise your actions often.
3) Think before obliging (socially, emotionally, physically, financially) any one.
4) Sound firm and with conviction ALWAYS
4) Set a goal in life, work towards achieving that - WHO YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN AS WHEN YOU ARE ALIVE AND AFTER YOU ARE DEAD???
5) Let your dreams be known to people close to you, who love you.
6) Take hold of your time, money, energy, values, health, property, beliefs.
============================================================
