My Mother

I wrote this in my diary one day when I felt my mom was so ill and she may not live long. I have often been rude to her when she is sick like that. Then I repent and feel bad.

Diary : 25th March 2008

What is it to be a mother?

When a woman gets her baby, she is on top of the world. That tiny bundle born of her flesh and blood brings such thrill, such joy one cannot describe in words.

She makes all sorts of sacrifices - depriving herself of so many comforts.

I remember my mother in my childhood. She would eat only after serving all fours of us children and my father. She used to make such lovely curries and hot hot chappati that we would eat and eat till we could eat no more. But we rarely saw whether there was something left for her. But she never complained. Happily she always ate last whatever was left. Fortunately she was made up of strong basic health having been brought up in a village that she never fell ill. I do not recall a single day in my childhood when my mom was ill and we had to serve her.


When my sister Lalitha fell gravely ill once in Pune we went thro' abject poverty and hardships. All my dad's measly income went to Dr's bills. My sister had so many operations around her neck. We did not ( at that time in our ignorance) sense the grave situation. But I remember a night when there was not enough rice to cook, my mother made a thin gruel ( Kanji) and fed us all . Tough times. She would pawn all her jewellery ( so little of it ) repeatedly for my brother Vaithu's education, my sister's sickness.

I was the apple of her eye ( I like to believe that) One reason was I stayed with my aunt ( one mouth less to feed) . She knew I was taken good care of . When I went to college, I used to give her my scholarship money which she felt was God sent. Then I also taught in a near by class to fetch a small amount for the family ( Rs 25 to 50 I do not remember.. )

My grandmother ( mom's mother) often stayed with us - it means 7 mouths to feed with one small income. But my recall of my early years are quite happy. I do not recall tension filled life at all. The bonding we shared with our siblings were quite strong and happy.



The smart mother that she was - even with that terriblly measly income , sickness of my sister Lalitha - her focus was getting us all married off. She was very clear about it. And she did it. I cannot imagine today getting 3 daughters and 1 son married off as an easy or achievable task without much financial strength.

Then came our chilren one by one . My mother worked very very hard to take care of our delivery Vivek, Hari, Aparna, Balaji, Ganesh, Krishna .. All she served selflessly to all - cooking, cleaning, washing soiled clothes all with pride and joy.


Raghu's untimely sad demise ( my dear husband at the age of 36) brought my parents to stay with us. It is rather unfortunate that I failed to develop that deep mother-daughter bond with her. I always saw her as a dominating woman, pushing her views on me. Sorry Mom - I could have improved our relationship - But my own personal grief, self-pity, foolishness, ego, immaturity in facing life's challenges and winning over - All this often found me at loggerheads with my mother.

But one thing I can vouch for - I was the most caring person as far as my parents' needs and childrens' needs were concerned. We lead as good a life as possible, not depriving Vivek and Hari of anything for the lack of a father. My parents were well fed and clothed by me and looked after well. In fact I can confidently say this was the best period in their life.

Mother accompanied us in all our vacations to Chennai. She was also a very popular person. Truly she has a certain charm - charisma which attracts people to her. To this day , anyone who knows her always remember and enquire about her health where-ever I go.

Somewhere along the way as she slowly marched towards her old age ( she is now 84 - 85?? ) . struck as she was with that terrible debilitating disease "Parkinson's" she, we all changed. 15 years is a painfully long period to suffer and she did - till date.


We the children also grew old and more and more selfish and nasty to this helpless woman. She in turn took more and more medication Syndopa and became more and more demanding. She believes eating will relieve her of her illness so she demands food all the time. The truth is she never came to terms with her condition. With determination she could have won over it. Denial made her think of all sorts of solutions.

Mother, My dear Mother. I am going to miss you. I am sorry if ever I hurt you. You deserve my utmost love and kindness. You have been the most helpful person to me.

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As a sequeal to this I wrote the following too on the same day in my diary

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Managing elderly members in the house

• First and foremost is respect at all times. No one in the family should be llowed to say rude things. They get hurt easily and suffer in silence. Right from childhood children should be taught to love and respect elders
  

• Kindness, Kindness, Kindness
  

• Patience, patience, patience
  

• Acceptance, Acceptance, Acceptance
  

• Love and forgiveness
  

• Provide a separate room with all amenities, a servant , time to time food. Spend at least an hour talking and communicating. I feel Vidhya's grandmother was so beautifully looked after by her sons and their family. Thanks to having a Dr. couple in the family, they were all properly guided.
  

• Only a family where elders co-exist with all the members in the family can be called a happy and cultured family.

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I also wrote this

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A word for elders ( or people who are going to become )

This is for all of us who will definitely face these years of old age

• Take care of health, health, health.

• Eat healthy food. Exercise a lot, drink plenty of fluids, meditate a lot.

• Have a tremendously positive outlook on life all the time. Never, Never, Never think or talk negative things. That transforms you into a hateful old man/woman

• Be extremely money-wise. It is an absolute must that the moment you start earning put away at least 10-20% of your income soul-ly for your old age- just yours nobody's

• Cultivate good habits of calm reading. It is a healthy habit.

• Bring discipline in eating/sleeping habits.
  

• Be loving and kind to everyone all the time. Never say rude hurtful things. Control your speech. Better not speak than be confrontational and fight. Just be calm, cool, collected. Smile/ laugh away arguments.

Health + Wealth + Love = Happy Old Age